Living with purpose: Or why I dislike the term work-life balance

Work-life balance. I don’t like the term.

It conjures up an image of a two-sided scale, with one side labelled “work” and the other “everything else.” As if the secret to achieving a satisfying and fulfilling life is to carefully apportion your time between the two opposing sides.

I don’t buy it. I don’t believe that overall well-being depends on allocating just the right amount of time between different areas of your life. A scale isn’t the right analogy here. Instead, it’s better to evoke the image of a sandbox.

In my childhood, I loved to play in the sandbox in our backyard. I would build elaborate sand cities, complete with buildings, roads, and other golden hued structures. I might have even made an airport once. Sure, I was hard at play. But I was also doing work to give shape and form to all that sand.

In a sandbox, there is no division between work and play. I was doing both, in pursuit of a larger purpose: to create something special, to accomplish something. Even if that something was a city made from sand, it was an important and worthwhile cause to me.

The morale of the story is this: when you have a clear purpose, and it guides your life, the dividing line between work and everything else fades away. Guided by a larger purpose, there is a oneness to all you do. And when you fill your days doing things that align with that purpose, the different areas of your life weave together as one, all in support of a greater cause. I call this living with purpose.

So how do you determine your life purpose?

The best way I know is to first identify your personal values. These are the principles or standards of behaviours that guide how you want to behave in your life. As an example, here are the values I try to uphold in my own life:

  • Adventure – be open to new opportunities
  • Boldness – think big, take risks
  • Community – connect with others
  • Contribution – make the world a better place
  • Creativity – bring new ideas to life
  • Fun – have fun in life and in work
  • Growth – grow, develop, expand
  • Integrity – be true to my word, walk the talk
  • Leadership – lead by example, engage and empower others
  • Respect – respect for people and the planet

Collectively, I like to think of these values as providing a character sketch of the best possible version of me. I know that if I stay true to my values for more days than not, I will be the type of person I truly want to be, the type of person I can be proud of.

Your values will be different from mine. That’s okay. Values are highly personal, but here’s the thing, you need to believe in them. You need to feel they are important and worthwhile qualities that you can aspire to. You need to feel they paint a portrait of the type of person you want to be in the world. You will know your values are true when they make you feel that you’re looking at a reflection of an ideal version of you.

You can find a lot of examples of personal values on the Internet (here is one list). These samples provide a good starting point, but, from my experience, your values will be more authentic and empowering if you express them in your own words. This will take some time, but the investment is well worth it.

Your life purpose should flow from your values. I have found the best way to express a life purpose is with a personal mission statement. Shaped by your values, a mission statement should succinctly describe your purpose, or, more bluntly, your reason for being. It’s like a blueprint for what you want your life to represent. Here is mine:

My mission is to live with courage, compassion and contribution. I will have the courage to follow my heart and pursue my dreams. I will have compassion for people and the planet. I will contribute to others and strive to make the world a better place. Every day, I will live with integrity to my values.

A mission statement provides a guiding light, or a true north, to guide your actions, decisions, and interactions in all areas of life. By grounding your life on your mission and values, you create a sense of unity in all that you do.

Getting clarity about your values and life purpose, and then living them everyday, is one of the most powerful ways to gain a deep sense of happiness and fulfillment in life. No longer will your job seem like it’s on one side of a scale, separate from everything else. Instead, all areas of your life – from work to family, friendships, leisure, service and spiritual life – will feel interconnected and aligned in support of a greater calling.

Just like a kid who creates cities out of sand, fulfillment comes from living in harmony with a larger purpose.

How to get the most happiness out of your travels

“It’s got brilliant white sand, umbrella-shaped trees for shade, clean clear water, a few little waves here and there to make it interesting, dozens of great little beachside cafes and bars, and enough local life to remind you that you are indeed in Bali.”

That’s how my pocket-sized Frommer’s guidebook describes one of the many beautiful beaches that encircle the popular Indonesian island. Sounds like paradise, and for many people it is. Tourists from around the globe flock to Bali to soak up the tropical sun on scores of postcard-perfect beaches. It’s just not for me.

I’ve been in Bali for a month now, and have yet to log an hour of beach time. Frankly, I find the whole “drop-and-flop” style beach holiday boring. Not to mention my skin has the colouring of a marshmallow and it takes to the sun much like those fluffy white treats take to a campfire. Sun and sand holidays are just not my thing, and that’s okay with me.

I’m happiest when actively exploring the local culture, art, music, architecture and natural landscapes of a destination. Lucky for me, Bali has a wealth of these assets too. Here, paradise for me is discovering a ruined temple while trekking through the rice fields, immersing myself in a traditional religious ceremony, or striking up a conversation with some locals at a roadside food stall.

Travel is a highly personal experience. What is holiday bliss to me may sound like a travel nightmare to you. So to get the most pleasure out of your own holiday, it makes sense to base your travel choices – on everything from where to stay, to where to eat, to what to do – on how happy you expect these experiences will make you feel, in both the short and long-term.

However, not all types of experiences deliver the same happiness bang for your buck. According to the book Happy Money: The Science of Smarter Spending, by Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton, four kinds of experiences are especially good at making us happy. Doing more of these things during your next trip should make your travels, well, happier.

Do things that align with your sense of self

In my mind’s eye, or perhaps over-inflated ego, I like to think of myself as a mild-mannered version of Indiana Jones when I travel. And so, when choosing between alternative travel experiences, it helps to think: What would Indy do?

Have a drink at a glitzy hotel bar flooded with foreigners, or mingle with locals at a tucked away Shisha café? Watch a well-orchestrated cultural show staged for tourists, or go to a small village temple for a traditional water blessing? Take an air-conditioned tour bus to see all the “must-see” attractions listed in my guidebook, or hire a local to take me on an impromptu trek through the jungle? Tapping into my inner Indiana Jones makes these decisions easy.

Okay, I’m no Harrison Ford and I’m not on a life-threatening quest for a lost artifact, but thinking like Indy helps to align my travel decisions with my (idealized) sense of self – a globetrotting explorer on the hunt for authentic and unique experiences. From a happiness perspective, it turns out to be a good way to think.

According to Happy Money, experiences provide more happiness when they are tightly linked to your sense of who you are, or want to be. So whether you fashion yourself after Marco Polo or Carrie Bradshaw, you’ll get more happiness out of your holiday if you do things that align with your sense of self, even if it’s a highly romanticized version of you.

Foster connections with others

All other things being equal, experiences tend to be more satisfying when they make us feel connected to other people. If you’re travelling with others, this social connection is built-in: Almost all your experiences are shared with your travel partners. Not only does the feeling of being connected give a blissful boost in the moment, but the relationships with your travel mates will likely grow and deepen which can provide a happiness windfall for years to come.

Fostering social connections is not so easy when you travel solo. It can be lonely out on the road, and long stretches of isolation can dampen the pleasure of travel. There is a silver lining, however: It is often easier to connect with other travellers or with locals when travelling alone. Since you don’t have the comfy social safety net of travel mates, you are forced to get out there and meet new people.

Whether you go it alone or with others, your travel choices can help make it easier to cultivate more connections along the way. For example, consider staying at a hostel or pension where you can easily meet other travellers, or at a home stay where you can interact with a host family; seek out restaurants and cafes with communal seating areas; or take part in group activities, like cycling tours or cooking classes, where part of the fun is sharing the experience with others.

One of the best things about travel is the constant opportunity to meet people from around the world. Be deliberate about fostering these connections: You’ll be happier for it.

Make memorable stories

“Apparently, the stuff sells for $50 a cup in places like New York and London and, get this, it’s made with cat poop!” I say to my friend, who’s sitting across the table at our favourite coffee shop back home. At least that’s how I envision the story beginning.

Kopi Luwak – as it’s called in Indonesia – is coffee made using coffee beans that are harvested from the fecal matter of the Asian Palm Civet, a nocturnal animal native to Southeast Asia. The civet kind of looks like a cat, but technically isn’t one.

Civets like to eat the flesh of ripe coffee cherries, but their stomachs cannot digest the beans inside. Before the coffee bean is passed, the enzymes in the civet’s digestive track penetrate the surface of the bean and significantly alter its chemical composition. It turns out that coffee made from the pooped beans is delicious, prized by gourmet java aficionados for its aroma and flavour.

One of the most expensive coffees in the world, civet coffee can sell for upwards of $50 a cup in chic cafes around the world. Thankfully, I only had to shell out 50,000 rupiah (a little less than $5) to sample a cup at a small coffee plantation in rural Bali. Taken straight black, Kopi Luwak is smooth and sweet, with a hint of chocolaty flavour. It’s noticeably less bitter than a typical cup of coffee and, according to our server, has more protein and less caffeine than regular coffee. As with “low alcohol” beer, however, I’m not convinced that “less caffeine” is a selling point.

I’m not even home yet, and I can already imagine telling the story about drinking “cat poop” coffee to several of my java-loving friends. Though I might gross out a few of them, this modest five-dollar experience is sure to deliver a big happiness payday because of the added pleasure that comes from sharing the story with others. As Dunn and Norton explain, experiences can deliver long-lasting happiness when they make for memorable stories that you’ll enjoy retelling time and again.

Look for unique opportunities

“Do you want to attend a public cremation ceremony on Friday?” It’s the first and probably the last time I will ever be asked this question. How could I say no?

In Balinese Hindu culture, cremation is an important rite of passage in the cycle of life as it’s believed to release the soul from the body so it can reincarnate. In the ceremony, bones from the deceased are placed in sarcophagi shaped like mythical animals, and then burned after a long and high-spirited procession. Considered a joyous occasion for families who are helping their loved ones in the journey to the next life, the ritual involves lots of music and special offerings given on behalf of the deceased.

Witnessing the elaborate ceremony was priceless, and incomparable to anything else I’ve done on this trip or any other. It’s fair to say the experience will be a defining moment of my time in Bali, and will shape my memory of this holiday years from now.

As it’s put in Happy Money, unique experiences are so satisfying because they’re not easily comparable with other available options for your time and money. Not to say the more traditional things listed in your guidebook should be ignored. These are popular for a reason. However, the most satisfying experiences – the ones that stand out in your memory – tend to be the unique ones.

Whether you’re planning a three-day getaway to Las Vegas or a three-month backpacking trip to South America, plan to do something out-of-the-ordinary and be open to new opportunities that take you off the beaten track. These experiences provide some of the most fertile ground for happiness to bloom.

Photography makes past experiences more memorable

Have you seen Matt Cutts’ TED Talk on trying something new for 30 days? Cutts is an engineer at Google – a self-described ordinary guy who uses 30-day challenges to supercharge his life. In this short and cheery talk, Cutts argues that setting 30-day goals is an effective way to achieve powerful results in life. One of the selling points of doing these challenges is that 30 days is short enough to be doable, yet long enough to form a new routine. [In reality, there is no magic number for how long it takes for a new habit to form. Depending on the behaviour you want to adopt, it could take anywhere from a few weeks to the better part of a year. On average, a good rule of thumb is to stick with a new activity for two months to make it habitual.]

One of Cutts’ 30-day challenges was to take a picture every day. As an avid fan of photography, this challenge resonated with me. I especially liked his observation that photography helps to make time more memorable. Cutts contends that a picture lets you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing on a particular day. A photograph is a simple, yet powerful way to reconnect with a past experience.

While I like to think of myself as an enthusiastic shutterbug, the truth is my Nikon spends most of its days collecting dust bunnies at the back of my bedroom closet. So, to help rekindle my interests in photography, I challenged myself to take a picture everyday this past February. Okay, first a disclaimer: February has only 28 days. I readily admit this isn’t technically a 30-day challenge. Close enough, I’m not going to split hairs.

I chose February, in part, because I was going to be on the road for a big portion of the month. With trips planned to Seattle for Super Bowl weekend and to Providence to participate in a conference, I anticipated a lot of good photo ops during my travels. [I also planned to bookend my trip to Providence with short stays in Boston and New York.]

Here’s one small story from Boston. One morning, pining for a java fix, I decided to search Yelp for the “best coffee shop” in the city. Up sprang Polcari’s Coffee on Salem Street, earning an astonishing five stars. Sold! So, in the midst of a minor blizzard, we set off to find this mysterious caffeine mecca. After zigzagging through the streets of Boston for well over an hour, we finally reached our destination in the heart of the city’s historic Italian neighbourhood. Waltzing through the front door of the quaint shop, we were surprised to find not a single espresso machine on site, but rather a vast assortment of coffee beans, tea, spices, as well as deli meats, candy, pasta and nuts. I’m such an airhead. Polcari’s is a coffee store, not a coffee shop (darn semantics). After browsing the wares for a few minutes, we walked down the block to find a more run-of-the-mill café. Once we got our brew, I took out my camera and snapped this shot from the doorway:

February 15: Exploring the historic Italian part of Boston, Massachusetts
February 15: Exploring the historic Italian part of Boston, Massachusetts

 

One thing I love about this photo is how it picks up the falling snowflakes, reminding me of the beautiful snowy streets we explored on our quest to find the perfect cup of coffee. Sure, we never did find that elusive five-star cappuccino, but the photo reminds me of one of life’s important lessons. To quote author, Greg Anderson: “Focus on the journey not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.” May all my bungled adventures – both big and small – bring so much joy.